Unadulterated Bruschetta

Do you too have dreams of Bruschetta? Wake up with the idea of Bruschetta on your tongue? Waltz down to your local cafe to order it and then get bitterly disappointed wh en they bring you a soggy piece of bread with a pile of old flavorless diced tomatoes mixed with a little vege oil and no garlic?

Bruschetta, like so many classic Italian dishes, has been garishly abused.I'm talking Carbonara and pizza.
Im talking Tirimisu and Bolognaise. Once beautiful dishes now so over used you forget why they became so popular in the first place. And Bruschetta, fresh, unadulterated Bruschetta, the kind that cravings are made from, is a glorious thing.

Crusty chewy bread, toasted, rubbed to perfection with a sweet clove of garlic. Roughly diced fresh red tomatoes so ripe you want to eat them right then and there.
Just wait.
Fresh basil, fra grant, torn, not cut.
A drizzle of olive oil, a sprinkling a salt and freshly ground black pepper.
Oh god, I'm salivating on my keyboard.
So though this hardly needs a recipe i will spell it out here, so the the art of the beautiful Bruschetta can be created at home for maximum pleasure.




4 thick slices of a nice nice crusty bread, a ciabiatta, turkish or pane
4 ripe tomatoes (adjust to suit the size of tomatoes)
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Salt and freshly ground pepper
large clove of garlic
Basil leaves - a handful
1 tsp balsamic vinegar, if desired

Toast your bread so it is lightly golden and a little crunchy. While this is happening roughly dice your tomatoes with a nice sharp knife. Blunt knives do horrible things to ripe tomatoes. Mix in a bowl with the olive oil, seasoning to taste, tear in the basil leaves and balsamic if desired.
Cut you garlic clove length-ways in half. No need to peel as the inner flesh is what you desire here. (Who doesn't love a little inner flesh?)
Rub the cut side of the garlic onto the bread and the slight abrasiveness of the crunchy bread with pick up all the flavor from the clove. Govind Armstrong, author the book Small Bites, Big Nights, which i bought recently (it is a beautiful book by the way) calls this the Garlic Love Rub.






Great name.This is exactly what it is. Rub it and receive the the love.
Tumble the tomato mix on top of your bread and devour.



For something a little special crumble over some soft feta or a sexy goats cherve.. Perhaps a little drizzle of balsamic reduction, or, as pictured below some delicious sticky gourmet drizzle you bought from your local market.
Thats it. Simple. Sexy flavors. Feast your eyes on it and feel your taste buds weep with jelousy.
Now go make some. You know you want to...

Simply Sexual Sugo

The other day, while browsing a cookbook i saw the word Sugo and suddenly it all came flooding back. This devine sauce we used to make at one restaurant i worked at.
I used to make it by the pot full. And whatever special we would put it with would go flying out the door. And by god its easy! Not to mention the complexity achieved by these simple flavors.
Roast garlic and tomato. An absolute classic, i know. But with a little technique, patience and almost no effort, this raunchy sauce, can now be yours.
Let me tell you a little about it. The key is in the pan-roasting of the garlic. Most tomato sauces call for finely sliced garlic and diced onion to be sauteed gently until soft and sweet. Not so here. What we want is robust, bold flavors drawn from the deeply golden roast garlic.
The color will be a rich red, assertive. Passionate.
When you think of a sprawling Italian vineyard, a wild drunken bonfire and too many glasses of local wine you should too be envisioning a big bowl of pasta tossed in this sexy sauce. And when you wake up in the haybarn the next morning, a little hungover, you will be supremely happy to know that plenty of leftovers await in the rustic farmhouse nearby.
Ah, the places that food can take you. We may not all have sprawling Italian Vineyards, but what we do have, ladies and gentlemen, is this sauce.

6-8 cloves of whole peeled garlic
800gm tin of whole Italian tomatoes
150ml olive oil
Flake salt
Castor sugar
Freshly ground pepper
Pasta or gnocchi to serve

Place the oil and garlic in a heavy based sauce pan on a medium to high heat. And don't be tempted to skimp on the amount of oil. This will become infused with the garlic and flavor your sauce. It is necessary. Just use a good cold pressed extra virgin olive oil. Healthier and tastier. Everybody wins.
Bring to the heat and don't walk away. Slowly the garlic will begin to color. Toss the cloves occasionally to maintain an even color. Once they are deep golden and the whole kitchen smells of heaven dump in your tinned tomatoes. Careful, it will spit as they hit the oil. Stir well, turn down the heat as low as it will go and leave it alone.
It needs to cook for a good 1 - 1 1/2 hours. Find something to occupy yourself and come give it a stir every 20 min or so. Set a timer if need be.
Once it has reduced by about half taste it. Is it rich and a garlicky? Get your blitzer ready.
Remove from the heat and blitz till smooth with a stick blender or a kitchen aid. Season with a little salt and pepper and then add the sugar, one spoon at a time, tasting as you go. You just want to balance the acidity.
Toss through pasta, Casanova's gnocchi, or for something a little different pour some sugo into a rameking, place a slice of goats cherve in the middle and pop it in the oven for 5-6 minutes or until golden and bubbling and serve it as a funky little fondue with a side of lightly toasted bread.
And do me a favor. If you are eating this with spaghetti or linguing, tuck a napkin into your collar and slurp. Keep a napkin handy and a small side of humor.
Don't forget that food is fun. Enjoy.

Casanova's Gnocchi

Imagine, if you will, the softest, fluffiest most delectable pillow you can think of. (If you're thinking breasts, i understand). Now imagine you could eat this pillow of air and wonder. Imagine it tasted of parmesan, ricotta and all your desires seasoned and rolled into small puffs. Now perhaps, we are thinking of the same thing.
They say that Casanova, one of greatest lovers the world has ever seen, seduced women not through his good looks, wealth or even endowment, but simply by talking - and listening - to the oft ignored wives and daughters of his fellow aristocracy.
And luckily for you this gnocchi is so easy to make you will have the whole night for talking, listening and, how shall we put it?.... Bedroom cardio.
If this gnocchi recipe was sex i would compare it to an impulsive quickie with multiple orgasms - if that doesn't give you confidence in the kitchen/bedroom I will be very surprised.
Now you're a little tantalized, lets get started...

500 ricotta
2-3 egg yolks
1/2 tsp flake salt
Freshly ground pepper, if desired
60gm grated Parmesan or Pecorino
100 gm of plain flour, plus more for dusting
Your sauce of choice

There are two kinds of ricotta you can get. In the deli they sell it in large wheels and you can buy it by the gram. Or you can purchase the little tubs from the dairy section of the supermarket. If you buy the stuff in the tub make sure to drain off any excess liquid.
Before you get started, before you even take your coat off, put a large pot of water on to boil. Have your sauce ready. This is only going to take you minutes.
Combine the ricotta, yolks (3 if you are using the wheel ricotta, 2 for the tub ricotta), salt, pepper and freshly grated parmesan. Please for the love of all things holy don't buy that pre-grated abomination that is basically flavored cardboard..
Give this all a good mix with a wooden spoon till it is smooth and all one color. Taste. Always taste. Adjust salt and pepper as necessary.
Sift in the flour, and, using as little stirring as possible to incorporate. The less stirring now the lighter you gnocchi will be. It will be a little sticky. Do not be tempted to add more flour.
Take a small handful, and, using both hands, roll out on a floured bench into a finger thick log - perhaps a little thicker. Flour a nice sharp knife and cut into inch long sticks.
Add in the gnocchi in small batches to the pot of water that should by now be boiling. Take care not to crown the gnocchi. After a moment they will float to the service, wait 1 long minute then lift from the water with a slotted spoon. Repeat with rest of gnocchi.
Thats it. I am not joking. And just you wait till you taste it. Toss in your sauce of choice and go impress the pants off whomever you want...

Traditional things to pair gnocchi with;
- a little brown butter with crispy sage and shaved parmesan...
(for tips on how to brown butter have a look on youtube.)
- Fried in a little olive oil and garlic and finished with fresh parsley and mozzarella
- A lovely fresh tomato sauce or Simply Sexual Sugo
- Pesto cream sauce (just mix some good quality pesto with a little cream and tear over some fresh basil)
- Anything that takes your fancy - Creativity in the kitchen is a good thing

Kinky Corn Fritters with Spicy Tomato Salsa

Hot damn i love corn fritters.
Fresh corn is one of the delights of the culinary world. At its freshest smother the whole steamed cob in butter and a little grind of salt and pepper and eat it straight off the stalk.
But if you you want to do something a little different i will share a secret with you.
The best corn fritter recipe i have ever found. Crisp on the outside. Fluffy on the inside. And studded with crunchy sweet kernals of bright yellow taste.
I like to serve it with spicy tomato salsa, some fresh peppery rocket and side of smokin' hot booty.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
Come on, lets get messy...





For the Corn Fritters;

60gm unsalted butter, melted and cooled to lukewarm
1 cup milk
1 1/3 cup creamed corn
1/2 cup corn kernels
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2tsp curry powder, optional
1 1/4 cups plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
3/4tsp salt
oil, for cooking - or a non stick pan

For the Spicy Tomato salsa

2 tbls olive oil
2 large onions
1 yellow capsicum, roughly diced
1 tbls curry powder
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
2 1/2tsp funely chopped ginger
3 tsp turmeric
2 tsp cumin
1 tsp paprika (use smoked for an extra sexy hit)
1 tbls cumin
1 x 800gm can diced tomatoes
salt and pepper

To Serve;
Fresh Rocket
Sour Cream
Your sexy Booty of choice

Mix together the melted cooled butter, milk, creamed corn and fresh kernels. Stir in the eggs and curry powder if using. Add the salt, baking powder and flour and stir till combined. Sit aside while you get the sauce on. Letting it sit helps make it fluffier...




On a medium heat fry the onion, capsicum and garlic in the olive oil till soft and fragrant.
If your housemates and neighbours start wondering into the kitchen asking you what that delicious smell is, they're probably ready. Do not let them stick or color. Soft and aromatic, that is the key.




Add the spices. Cook for a couple more minutes. At this point you should be salivating a little. Control yourself.
Add the tomatoes and salt and freshly ground black pepper, turn the heat down to low and put your fry pan on for the fritters.
The last time i experimented with cooking these in a nonstick frypan using no oil and i worked out rather well. The outside doesnt go quite as crisp but its still sexy as hell. Alternatively fry it in a little oil and butter for maximum crispiness...
Once the pan is hot ladle in some batter and watch, waiting impetiently, till the edges begin to bubble. Flip over. The reverse side should be golden and irristible. Just the way i like it.
Fry 1 min longer than place on a plate and cover with a clean tea towel. Repeat till all the batter is used, remembering to stir your salsa occasionally.







Pile several Fritters on a plate and serve with a generous helping of salsa, some rocket and, for a little extra indulgence, sour cream if desired.
Beautiful. Dont forget to admire the other beautiful things around you..

If that doesn't get you hot i've done something wrong.

Notes About Vanilla

Vanilla is the second most expensive spice in the world
The vanilla bean is a phallic symbol if ever i saw one.. long, sticky and loaded with an uncountable number of seeds...
Vanilla was first served by the ancient Aztecs and Mayans in 'chocolatl' a drink made of cocoa beans, vanilla and chilli
The Mayans tell a legend of the young daughter of a goddess, who was forbidden to marry her lover, a mortal, and so transformed herself into the vanilla bean so she could be with him always
Vanilla, along with cocoa, was regarded as a gift from the gods and a powerful aphrodisiac
Recent studies have shown the vanilla increases your libido and decreases stress - if that's not a gift from the god's i dont know what is...
Vanilla has long been prized by french perfume artists as the most elusive and sexual scent - it is used in many of the famous perfumes of today
Naturally the vanilla bean grows only in a small part of the world where the orchid is pollinated by the melipona bee... Now all vanilla beans across the world are hand pollinated.
It takes years for the vanilla orchid to be ready to bear fruit. Then every single orchid must be pollinated by hand. One flower makes one vanilla bean. The bean then takes about 8-9 months to come to fruition. Then the beans are picked and matured. This can take anywhere between 6 months (for a cheaper product) and two years (for the A grade orgasm-in-a-bean). Then and only then do we recieve this gift of flavor and impart its glory to our tastebuds.
Recent studies by Neurologist Alan Hirsch show that the scent of natural vanilla is the smell that most arouses men, measured by the increase of penile (great word!) blood flow.
Vanilla is damn sexy, dig out those extra pennies and buy yourself the best you can afford!

Virgin Vanilla Panna Cotta's

The flavors of this simple little dessert paint a very vivid picture indeed.
The innocent richness of cream.
The raunchy red boldness of the fresh raspberries studded within.
A lingering hint of summery citrus and then the vanilla. It tantalises the tastebuds, speaking of secrets and foriegn places. Complex. Subtle. Lingering.
Who could possible resist the trembling texture of a perfectly set Panna Cotta? A chef i used to work with said a perfect panna cotta should have a wobble like "a fat lass's ass" and though a little crude this explains it to a T. Too often panna cotta's are more like cheesecakes - set to within an inch of their life.
When realeased from their moulds they shall 'bulge' a little and you want to be just a little afraid that they wont set..
But they will! And when you dip your spoon into this trembling creamy little baby you will truly have a small taste of heaven on your lips...
As their are only a few ingredients make sure you spend a little extra money and buy the good stuff. Fresh raspberries. Local Cream. and please please please some sexy, sticky A Grade vanilla beans. Trust me, you will taste the difference.... Real Vanilla, if you are lucky enough to have had it is an oral orgasm. Of the food variety.
Whenever a recipe calls for very few ingredients it is wise to splurge a little on the quality of the ingredients.
Fresh Raspberries. Beautiful cream. Some leaf (rather than powdered) gelatin. And please, please, please, do yourself a favor and hunt down the best Vanilla Beans you can buy. Sticky black and filled with seeds, the aroma so heady you can smell it through the packaging.
Trust me, its worth it.

Please read through the entire recipe before beggining

*600 ml thick cream

*150 ml milk
*120 gm castor (superfine) sugar
*Zest of half a mandarin
*3 leaves gelatin, soaked in icy water
*Half a vanilla bean, sliced in half lengthways, the seeds scraped out and kept
*1 punnet of fresh raspberries ( you should have a few left to serve with)

Let me assure you this is quick to make. Luckily for us, in this particular circumstance, quick is good. It requires little to no effort with maximum pleasure - what's not to like?

*Soak the leaf gelatin in ice water (the ice stops it from dissolving) for about 5 min. While your waiting place the cream, milk, sugar and the finely grated zest in a pot. Add the scraped vanilla bean, seeds, pods and all and pop it on the stove. Bring it up to just simmering then remove it from the heat and set aside. Keep a close eye and do not let it boil.

Squeeze the liquid from the gelatin and add it to the cream mix, stirring till dissolved. Let it sit for twenty minutes to infuse.
While you are waiting take your moulds (preferably the plastic ones designed for creme caramel's- they are cheap and easy to come by at your local store) and spray them with oil or brush them lightly with melted butter.

Put 2-3 fresh raspberries in each mould and then go find some thing to occupy yourself till the cream is infused. Im sure you'll think of something.
After 20 min remove the vanilla pods but DO NOT strain it as you will lose all the sexy little seeds that give it its flavor. Pour the mix into the moulds and set in the fridge.

It is really that easy. So now you have plenty of time, and energy, to use for whatever you may like... until these beautiful little babies are are ready.













Warning; staring at the fridge and salivating is not becoming. Try to avoid unless alone.




If You Want To Make it Extra Sexy;

Vanilla Syrup to serve

1/2 vanilla bean, as above
500 gm sugar
500 ml water

Place all in a pot and bring to the boil. Boil gently for 10-15 mins untill sticky and infused. Store in a glass bottle with the pods and all till ready for serving. Does not need to be refrigerated.


Notes And Helpful Tips

If you can't find any Creme caramel moulds you can instead set it in a funky glass - though it won't wobble on the plate it will still look great
To remove from the mould run a small sharp knife between the panna cotta and the mould, taking care not to stab the panna cotta. Then create a small gap between the mould and panna with your knife to break the seal and slip it onto the plate.
Can be stored the fridge for 2-3 days but make sure you cover them with glad wrap or they will dry out.
Keep the pods you remove from the cream, dry it off and store it in your sugar for a lovely scent and subtle flavor
Toss the extra raspberries in some vanilla syrup (above) and serve alongside
Make tiny little ones in a baby muffin tin for an exciting option at tea party